Thursday, February 23, 2006

Jobs lost, Ramsey folk checking under every stone!



Ramsey is bearing the brunt of the latest job losses in the Isle of Man's financial services sector. The financial sector is generally large on the Isle of Man because it has low tax, even for the mega rich people. This is why Manx people have money.

30 posts are to go at Charterhouse, in the operations and support department. 30 posts means that there is now only one person with a job in Ramsey, and this is Nigel, a velociraptor.

It follows a downturn in a section of the company's business in the United Kingdom. A spokesperson said "Ramsey people are just too dumb. We put a computer in front of one employee, and by lunchtime the worker was dead, crushed underneath a wardrobe full of conkers."

This news was so important to the Island, that it got a front page spread on a sheet of paper, found in the local toilets.

First Bird Flu Scare

The DAFF has examined eight dead swans, because everyone knows that when birds die in the world today, it's immediately bird flu.

A spokesman for the DAFF said that "Damn comeovers bringing all their diseases, we should get rid of them all!"

"There are only four birds left on the island now, named Steve, Jim, Mohammed and Paul. If you see any of them, please contact the DAFF"

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Six Cars Damaged in Hit and Run

A red VW Golf is responsible for damaging six cars in the South of the Island at 2am.

The driver of the car foolishly misjudged a turn on a roundabout and smashed the Golf straight into the wall of a house. It rebounded across the road from this first impact, hitting a parked car, which then hit a row of four cars into each other. At this point, the people inside the Golf fled, apparantly in the direction of Port Erin. Two of the cars are total write-offs, and the wall of the house is damaged. Police claim that to flee after causing that much damage is "incomprehensible", displaying the incredible understanding of the criminal mind that our police force has.

The police are asking anyone who saw either a red VW Golf driving erratically or a man running down Station Road at 2am to get in touch with them. Naturally there isn't much chance of this happening if it was a darkie - at 2am you wouldn't be able to see them.

Nightclub Disturbance


A disturbance at a Douglas nightclub is being probed by police.

At 2am on Sunday a man was asked to leave Paramount City following an incident on the dance floor. He refused, and was beaten with paddles.

Details are unknown, but preliminary sketches lead reporters to believe the man had been infected with Teh Gay. Innoculations against Teh Gay are available from your local herbalist.

Isle of Man in Space

Manx space law could provide an international standard for global space operations in the future. A comeover-based Manxman visited his homeland last week with International Space University (ISU) founder, Dr Bob Richards. Richards is a good strong Manx name. He said the Isle of Man had the potential to develop itself as a centre of excellence for space law. Which would mean that the Isle of Man would own all of Space.

He said: 'There is a lot of interest in going back to space and the moon. The Isle of Man is proposing a very inventive regulatory system that will allow organisations and countries to co-operate, in ways that have a precedent here on earth. One problem is that there are no countries on the moon, so no tax regimes or laws exist, much like here on the Isle of Man."

A spokesman for Laxey Fishermen Association said "Aight there Yussir, we be giving the Darkies to the Martians, but they can't see the Darkies in space because its dark".

RAMSEY AND CASTLETOWN RATES RISE, BOATS SINK

Two local authorities have increased their rates. Not quite sure what rates they are, but we'll go with it.
Castletown rates have gone up by 8.7 per cent. Yes, thats right, CENTS.

Chairman Kevin Weir, also known as Big Kev, said the rate for 2006/7 is £2.61 in the pound. The rate for 2005/6 was £2.40. Thats an increase of seven THRUPPENCE! Or your weekly pension.

The decision to make the increase was made in private. Yes, we don't allow voting on the Isle of Man.

He added the increase will help fund the demolition of dilapidated buildings in the works depot, a new works vehicle and unanticipated costs assoicated with Poulsom Park's play area. He said "Your money is going to go towards lights for the market square, so darkies can't hide in the shadows and steal your children"

Ramsey rates have increased by 10 pence. As everyone in Ramsey is a pensioner or a fisherman, this means that nobody has any money anymore.

The rate for 2006/7 is £3.05, an increase of 3.39 per cent.
Chairman Geoff Quayle said the town continues to be run well and the increase is due to the commissioners contributing £63,690 to the Department of Local Government and Environment for the running costs of the Northern Civic Amenity Site in Ballacallow. No one quite knows what he means by saying "the town continues to be run well", as it seems the town is actually being run dry. There have been no new shops set up in the area for many years, and yet money seems to go towards this Civic Amenity Site. Which is another name for a Rubbish Tip.

Welcome to Real Manx News

Greetings all you come overs, welcome to Manx News

We will have only the best and brightest news here of goings on, on the Isle of Man. We'll have political commentaries, and CRIME news, that all you come overs seem to bring.